By Steve Biodrowski

Here is a film full of insight that dares to tell the untold story of the origin of the Texas Chainsaw Family. Only, no it doesn't. Because that story would be some kind of long, dark, dank, drama about a family gradually going crazy over many years, and who wants to sit through that when you could fill the film with oodles of people being hacked, stabbed, bludgeoned, and chainsawed to death?

So instead, we get a film that seems to have been built around this premise: You know those victims in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE? Well, they weren't the first; there were lots before them. In fact, at some point in time, there must have been some victims who were the very first, so let's show what happened to them.

Pretty exciting stuff, right? Except that the reliable Leatherface and his hard-ass father take to killing like ducklings take to water - like they've been born to it. So there's really little different about what happens here, nary a hint that those first kills might be a little bit harder, no suggestion of a descent or stepping over a line from which there is no return. It all just seems like business as usual; except that, the film being a prequel, it's a foregone conclusion that all the victims will die and the Chainsaw family will live on to kill other folks.

There actually is a ghost of a good idea here. The four victims include a pair of brothers scheduled for duty in Vietnam. (Since this is a prequel to a remake of a film made in the 1970s, it takes place during the 'Nam era.) The older brother is determined to do his duty; the younger brother wants to dodge the draft and head to Canada. The black joke underlying this drama is that the younger brother wants to avoid the obscene horrors of war, but he and his friends are going to experience horrors every bit as bad right in their own country.

Unfortunately, the idea also sets thoughts in motion that might send a semi-perceptive viewer on a journey that would lead them to question the true scare potential of Leatherface and crew. The Chainsaw Family, when you stop and think about it, are scary because they are out in the middle of nowhere, miles from anyone who might help the victims who fall into their grasp. But in point of fact, they're really only dangerous because their victims are not prepared to deal with a chainsaw-wielding maniac. In this case, however, the older brother is planning to return for a second tour of duty; in other words, he's already a trained soldier who has faced death on the battlefield. You don't have to think long and hard to imagine that someone like him - or National Guardsman, or any semi-competent police officer with a gun - would finish off Leather face and family in a couple minutes. End of Story. No more Sequels. No more Prequels. No more bullshit.

Of course, that's not the way things work out in movieland, where the prime directive is to keep the franchise alive no matter what. The soldier turns out to be pretty much just another victim. But you have to wonder about potential for interesting confrontations if Leatherface ever had to fight someone his own (figurative) size. How about "Dirty Harry meets the Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? Or cast Jet Li as the hero and turn it into a kick-ass martial arts flick. Hell, even "Hannibal Lecter Vs. Leatherface" would be a hoot.

These suggestions may sound ridiculous, but they are no more ridiculous than this film, which blithely blunders into territory clearly marked "Incredible" without ever stopping to look back. The finale depends on one of those "killer in the backseat" moments that even diehard fans have to acknowledge as completely silly. There's no way Leatherface could know which car the victim would be in. Even if he did, there's no way he could conceal his hulking bulk in the back seat. Even if he did, there's no way he could start the chainsaw without the driver hearing it and bailing out of the car, leaving him to die in a fiery crash. But what the hell, it's only a dumb horror movie aimed at gore hounds, so just go ahead and stage the scene like that anyway. Because why let logic stop you from using a visual that's been used hundreds of times before?

After all, if the audience wanted originality, they would not buy tickets to something called THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING.